So it happens that three men die on the same day and wake up at the pearly gates. They are each called forward, one by one, to recount to St. Peter their lives to see if they are worthy to get into heaven. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
The first man nervously approaches the gates. St. Peter firmly, but not unkindly, holds out a hand to stop him. “First, tell me who you are.”
“My name is Ahmad,” says the man.
St. Peter looks him up and down. “And what did you do in life?” he asks.
“I was a fisherman,” says Ahmad. “I lived in a small shack near the sea with my wife and three children. We were not rich, but each of us had food, water, shelter, and love, I made sure. I did my duty to my family and my neighbors and did not act dishonorably, living before God as best I could. Daily I prayed with my family, we kept our house pure from unclean foods, and we even made the pilgrimage to Mecca.”
“Mecca?” St. Peter says, an eyebrow raised. He looks through his book of life. “You say you lived righteously, but it says here you got into a major altercation with your neighbors and spent some time in jail.”
Ahmad looks a little nervous. “Yes. One of my neighbors, a Jew, was being attacked by a gang of anti-Semites in my town. I sheltered him in my house, but we were discovered. In the ensuing struggle I gravely injured one of the gang. The police put me in a cell for assault. The Jew escaped to safety, but none of the gang was punished.”
St. Peter looks sympathetic. “How horrible. And none of the gang was punished?”
“No, they had a good relationship with the police. But that’s not the point. I am just glad that I was able to save a life.”
“Yes, the life of a Jew,” says St. Peter. “I am very thankful you’d save one of my people, but I notice here in your file that you are Muslim. Why would you save a Jew?”
Ahmad hurries to look at the book himself. “I don’t see why that is important. All men are brothers. I do not look down on those who do not share my same belief in God. I only trust that God will do unto me according to my righteousness, as He would do to the Jew.”
“Ah, but do you really believe in God?” asks St. Peter. “Your people call God ‘Allah,’ but our God is called Jesus Christ. You didn’t believe in Him though.”
“I know Jesus,” says Ahmad indignantly. “I have the greatest respect for Him as one of God’s prophets.”
St. Peter clicks his tongue. “No, you see, that’s not good enough. Jesus Christ isn’t just a prophet, or a good man. He is God incarnate, second person of the Trinity. He was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died on the cross for our sins, and was raised on the third day. You didn’t believe any of that.”
Ahmad looks dejected. “No, I did not. Was I supposed to? Surely I did what was right all my life, according to what I was taught and what my conscience told me.”
“Doesn’t matter what you did, good or bad,” replies St. Peter. “What matters is your heart.”
“If I did what was right, then wasn’t my heart right?” Ahmad protests.
“No, you had to believe in your heart in the resurrection and saving power of Jesus Christ, specifically, to wash away your sin. Please take a seat over there.” St. Peter gestures to a row of chairs off to the side. “Someone will be by shortly to take you away. You are not allowed entrance to the Kingdom of God.”
Ahmad walks, head in hands, to a chair and sits. Meanwhile, the second man approaches St. Peter, looking even more guilty and afraid than Ahmad.
“Name?” St. Peter asks, a bit gruff.
“David,” says the second man, adding “I’m Jewish.”
“I can see that in your file. You’re very surprised to be here, aren’t you, David?”
“Honestly, yes,” he admits. “I’m still not sure I’m not dreaming.”
St. Peter looks at him sadly. “It’s no dream. It’s real. But according to this book, you didn’t believe in an afterlife, or even in God at all. So why do you claim you’re Jewish?”
David reacts with disgust. “I beg your pardon? I am a Jew. My parents were both Jewish.”
“But you didn’t believe in Judaism.”
“That’s irrelevant,” David says. “I’m Jewish even if I don’t believe in religion, just as I am - was - American even though I disagree with American policy.”
“I can see that, too,” chuckles St. Peter. “Says here you attended all sorts of political rallies, such as this, let’s see, ‘Black Lives Matter’ protest. Why would you attend that?”
“I don’t want to shock you, but if you notice when you look at my face, I am black,” David replies.
St. Peter frowns. “Which is it? Are you black, or are you Jewish? No, don’t answer that. The point is, you spent your whole life trying to better the kingdoms on earth, when in reality the only kingdom that mattered is the one behind these gates here - the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Why should I try to better the Kingdom of Heaven?” David protests. “It’s already good. I wanted to make life better on earth for the people I loved. And I didn’t even know there was a Kingdom of Heaven until five minutes ago.”
“That’s not my fault,” says St. Peter. “You were warned repeatedly that if you didn’t believe in the doctrine set forward by the church, you would be condemned to hell.”
Angrily, David shouts, “But what did I do that was deserving of punishment? Everything I did was to help others. What sin am I guilty of?”
“Well... says here you were also homosexual. That’s not allowed up here in the kingdom.”
“I was born that way!”
St. Peter’s response is automatic. “We’re all born sinners. None of us are spared the duty of repentance.”
“Wait, so was I supposed to stop living a sinful life, or was I supposed to believe all the right points of doctrine?” David asks.
“Sit down next to your friend Ahmad,” replies St. Peter. And that is that.
Finally, the third man approaches the gates before even being asked. “Bill,” he says.
“Oh, I know you,” St. Peter says, tapping on the book of life. “I know all about you.”
“I’m a Christian, so I get in, right?” asks Bill.
“Well, we do have a few things to discuss...” St. Peter says. “I have here that you, uh, voted for a man named Obama? Not sure what for, but that’s a mark against you.”
Bill panics a bit. “It was in my pre-Christian days. I was raised by atheist parents. When I got saved, I repented of my sins.”
“So I see. Apparently you were very active in your church?”
“Yes,” Bill says proudly. “Went every Sunday, even on football days. I’d take notes on the sermon so I could tell my wife on days she was too busy with the kids to come to church. And I gave 10% of my income in tithe, every month. Not just 10% of the net, but 10% of the gross.”
St. Peter smiles. “Good work. I can see you were very consistent in your beliefs after your conversion. And very fastidious. No tolerance for heathens or heretics, as we would call them in my day.”
“That’s why I joined the police,” Bill says. “Got to do something to uphold the law. I know it got... rough on the job sometimes, but sometimes you gotta be rough to get people to stay in line, do the right thing, you know?”
“It does say here that you beat a peaceful protestor so badly he lost an eye. You also were rough with your own family, especially your wife, who you then cheated on, multiple times.”
Bill gets defiant. “Now I know my rights. And remember, man looks at the outside, but the Lord looks at the heart. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I think my wife would ultimately thank me that I kept her on the right path. I may have sinned every once in a while, but I trust in Jesus and my heart was in the right place. No one can judge me but God Himself, and I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus.”
St. Peter seems torn for a moment, but then shrugs his shoulders. “Correct. You trusted in Jesus, and believed in His death and resurrection. We still have a transcript of your prayer when you got saved. Even a cynic would understand you were sincere in that prayer.”
“Is my wife here?,” asks Bill. “I still feel I should apologize to her for my mistakes.”
“Hm, I don’t think so,” says St. Peter. “She never told you, but she didn’t actually miscarry. She had an... an abortion. We don’t take kindly to that up here.”
Bill doesn’t look too upset. “I don’t take kindly to it myself. Still, it seems harsh.”
“As harsh as murdering an unborn child?”
“Fair point,” Bill laughs as St. Peter opens the gate. “See you later, St. Peter. Bye, Ahmad and David.” And Bill lived happily ever after.
Editor’s Note: Oops, we realized this story was structured like a joke, but we noticed there was no punchline. We were about to add one in until we realized the punchline is that literally all of this post is exactly what Evangelicals believe. The characters may be made up, but otherwise this is Evangelical doctrine.
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