Choose Your Own Adventure, Guns Edition

Let's play a game. It's a choose-your-own-adventure. You play as a normal American - a politically moderate, sensible, middle-class, religious, pleasant heterosexual white male. It is the morning after a horrific mass shooting and you just went online to see the news. All over the place you're seeing the godless liberals talking about gun control, and you just have to weigh in.

If you choose to make a stand for ending gun violence, proceed to this page to call your congressperson.
If you choose to argue for 2nd amendment rights, continue reading.


"Save it, liberals," you write. "This is America. The 2nd Amendment gives us the right to bear arms."

A few moments later, someone drops by with the following comment: "It's time for us to do something about senseless gun violence. We can make changes without stripping our 2nd Amendment rights. Fewer guns means fewer deaths."

If you believe it's possible to respect the 2nd Amendment while introducing sensible gun-control laws, proceed to this page to call your congressperson.
If you wish to counter that guns don't kill people, people kill people, keep reading.


You laugh to yourself. These arguments are tired and easily defeated. "Guns aren't the problem. The problem is evil people." You feel satisfied as you see your post update.

A few moments later, another crazy liberal appears on your wall. "If the problem is evil people, then why are we allowing evil people to have guns? Why not have protections in place to prevent that thing?"

You think for a moment.

If you agree that we must prevent evil people from abusing the rights Americans receive from the 2nd Amendment, proceed to this page to call your congressperson.
If you wish to pivot to an argument about mental health, keep reading.


Good thing you have facts on your side. "It's about mental health, people," you type, seventeen tabs open with articles backing up your point. "The people who commit these crimes are mentally unbalanced. We shouldn't be trying to ban guns. Let's focus on fixing mental health."

Ah, that one's good. You do honestly believe it's something that can be improved. Republicans and Democrats alike agree with you.

Several minutes go by, and then you receive another notification. Some liberal has come back with another argument: "If the GOP is sincerely dedicated to the mental health issue, then why are they trying to gut universal health care, and why did they recently vote to allow guns to be sold to mentally ill people? You say you're reluctant to act on guns, but eager to act on health care. Prove it!"

If you agree that universal health care should be expanded so that mentally ill people can receive care and not be given access to guns, proceed to this page to call your congressperson.
If you believe that more arms, not less, will solve the problem, keep reading.


You scoff. "Typical liberal. You don't realize that no guns = no self-defense. Once there are no guns, people have no way of defending themselves! If everyone were armed, no one would dare start a gunfight!" You know this is true because you have seen movies about the Wild West, where everyone had guns and there were no mass shootings.

Wouldn't you know it, another liberal just has to comment on your post. "What, are you saying that we should have armed the 7-year-olds who were massacred at Sandy Hook? Should all the people in Orlando have been armed while they were surrounded by loud music in a club and could not identify the attacker? Should everyone at the country music concert in Las Vegas have whipped out a pistol to fire wildly in any direction in the hopes they hit the shooter, who was not in their midst? Most people are not trained to respond properly in life-or-death scenarios. Not only that, but if everyone is armed and firing, cops won't know who is the shooter in these cases."

"If everyone is armed, that wouldn't happen," you say.

"Everyone? Do you mean that if evil people and the mentally ill were armed? I thought you said they were the problem."

If you agree that it's unfeasible to assume that all men can arm themselves and be expected to handle themselves in a gunfight, proceed to this page to call your congressperson.
If you would like to pivot to a discussion about firearms education, keep reading.


"This can be solved with more education," you say. "Kids these days aren't trained how to use a weapon. It should be a mandatory thing to train everyone in how to use a gun."

"Alright," comes the reply. Jeez, don't these liberals ever give up when they've lost? "What happens when a child doesn't pass the class? Should they no longer have the right to weild a gun?"

"Of course not," you reply. "The 2nd Amendment says the right to bear arms shall not be infringed."

"So what's the point of the class if uneducated people are still allowed to carry weapons everywhere? If you are serious when you say that evil people and mental illness are the problem and you want to educate children, why on earth would you allow people who fail their education to have guns? And how should they be trained: by the government, or by their parents?"

"Their parents!" you state very calmly. "We don't want the government telling us what's best for us."

"How can you guarantee that the parents aren't themselves evil or mentally ill? Your 'everyone is armed' model leads directly to our problems unless you are willing to restrict certain people access to deadly weapons."

If you agree that firearms education and licensing, being necessary to operate a firearm, must exclude some people from ever owning a firearm, proceed to this page and call your congressperson.
If you would prefer to find facts that show countries without guns have higher rates of mass shootings, keep reading.


After a quick google search, you pull up some websites which say that gun violence is worse in other countries. "Look, it's bad what happens. But it's better than what happens if people aren't allowed to defend themselves." There! Surely the liberals will be happy with the facts!

Nope. Some random libtard has found a bunch of other websites that say gun violence is worse in America! "Your sources are all biased," this heathen says. "If you look at the raw numbers, far more Americans die unnecessarily by guns. We have the highest rate of suicides, murders, accidental deaths of children, and killings by police officers of the entire developed world."

If you are able to let facts influence your worldview, proceed to this page and call your congressperson.
If you prefer to only listen to a small subset of the facts which do not challenge your worldview, continue reading.


"Stupid liberals!" you exclaim logically. "You people don't listen to facts. Also I disagree with your facts and won't listen to you. You just want to ban guns because you hate freedom!"

"Not true," says the liberal, just asking to be punched in the fucking face. "In fact, some of us like guns. They're cool! It's amazing how we've engineered a weapon so small and powerful. But we also recognize that they are incredibly dangerous and should not be freely given out to everyone. Cars are dangerous, too, and we require people to take tests and have a license to drive. At the very least, can't we come together and agree that we can find a way where we can protect our 2nd Amendment rights while also passing legislation that ensures our children will live long enough to protect theirs? I'm not the enemy. The GOP is in the pockets of the NRA who are using all of this to enrich themselves. They don't care about you. Together, we can stop them."

If you agree to learn how liberals and conservatives can work together to end gun violence, for god's sake proceed to this page and call your congressperson.
If you choose to learn nothing, keep reading.


You close the webpage. Stupid social media. All you do is express your opinion and these fucking assholes gotta treat you like garbage. You'll be back to argue some more later today, and for the next week or so until the next mass shooting grabs everyone's attention. And you'll always be there to defend the right of all decent Americans to own guns. Those stupid liberals keep trying to argue with you, but your logic is impenetrable.

Eventually you move out of your parents' place and get a nice job, making enough money to live comfortably. You buy yourself nice things. You even get yourself a gun. But you are a responsible individual and you only use it to go shooting every once in a while. You still keep it in the house in case of a break-in, but you are in a nice neighborhood and are under no threat. It must be because of your gun. You eventually meet a girl and hit it off and get married. She's pretty and you get along. Sure, you fight every once in a while, but you always seem to get over it quick since you love each other. The two of you have a couple of kids and you feel sad when they grow up and have less time for you. And yes, you still argue online with the liberals, the whiny snowflakes who just need things all the time and can't fend for themselves.

Your movements begin to slow down. One day you look in the mirror and do not recognize yourself. You are old and gray, and most of your hair is gone. You stoop and can't keep your pants up without a belt. There are pains you do not remember having before. Your wear thick glasses and a hearing aid. Your wife is dead from cancer. The medical bills were tough, but you had a nice job and had the money for insurance and to see her off peacefully. The kids drop by with the grandkids. One of them is half-black. You don't complain, but you notice - it makes sense since your kids are less enthusiastic about protecting 2nd Amendment rights online.

One day you lie in your bed, struggling to keep your eyes open, and you realize this is it. Finally, a peaceful sleep. You are glad. Now no one will ever bother you again. No whiny liberal is going to demand you care about people. You'll never be asked to give to the needy again. The annoying suffering of others can longer interrupt your life. You are happy.

The End